My friend Lynda from Missouri sent me this clever compilation of all those urban legend emails.  So, with a tip of the hat to her and whoever wrote it, here it is!  

Summary of My Last Year on the Computer

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about
poison in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a
wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for
the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once
I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to
watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl into my back
seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under
God” on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they
are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I
now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because
a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to
cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12
camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to
a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s
second husband’s cousin’s beautician…

Have a wonderful day….

Oh, by the way…..A South American scientist from
Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people
with insufficient brain activity read blogs with their
hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now; it’s too late.



  1. Mocha with Linda

    That is hilarious! Absolutely love it!

    Although one of those isn’t exactly an urban legend. I’ll never forget a patient I took care of years ago. The chain of events? Port-a-potty, brown recluse spider, colostomy.

    Thanks for the laugh to start my Saturday – I desperately needed it!

  2. Nicole

    Just too true, isn’t it?

    Don’t breathe, eat, relieve yourself, exercise, not exercise, drink coffee or anything else, don’t not drink coffee or anything else, don’t enjoy the sun, don’t not enjoy the sun, etc., etc., etc., or you will die. Well . . . yeah. You will.

  3. Kay Day

    Yeh, I pulled my hand off my mouse. Too late, apparently.

  4. Momstheword

    I have read another list that is a little different. I know a woman who was bawling because she loves Target and she couldn’t shop there any more because they don’t support our troops. I printed off the Urban Legends’ debunk for her.


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